A Continent Apart
by McHottie
Summary: What happens after Derek leaves for Seattle? Will Addison and Mark stay together? Will Meredith find out about Addison before she shows up in Seattle? Please, please review! Maddison. MerDer.
1. Chapter 1

Sometimes we do things we can not explain. We don't understand why we do it, but we act on an incredible urge. When we act on that urge, it sometimes becomes a big mistake, one we realize as soon as we satisfy our urge. I realized my mistake immediately. My husband had been working back-to-back thirty hour shifts at the hospital where we both work. He was never home, sacrificing my needs for those of his patients. It was storming quite badly when his best friend, Mark, rang our doorbell. I was lonely again, so I invited Mark in for a drink. As I shut the door, I knew it was a mistake.

My husband hadn't touched me but once in over a year, and there was Mark in my living room. I handed him a glass of Scotch and sat next to him on the suede couch. He gently placed his hand on my knee, and chills went up my spine. It had been so long, and my body felt cold and unloved, disregarded by my husband for the last year or so.

"Addison, are you okay?" Mark asked in his concerned, gentle voice.

"Oh, Mark," I said softly, my eyes filled with tears. "I don't think he loves me anymore."

"He loves you, Addie. He's just a workaholic. Hell, we're all workaholics."

"But if he asked me on a date, to spend one night with him, I would make time for him." I choked back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes.

"Shh. Shh. It's okay," he soothed.

"No. No. It's not okay!" I cried, anger welling up inside me. "We've had sex one time in fourteen months! One time!"

"Addie. Addie, look at me," he took my face in his strong, plastic surgeon's hands.

"I had to beg him. Do you have any idea what it is like to beg your spouse to have sex with you? Do you have any idea how bad that hurts?" my voice shook as the tears spilled over.

"Baby, don't cry," he wrapped his arms around my shaking shoulders and pulled me into his chest.

"I think my marriage is over."

"So, I guess it doesn't matter if I do this," he said, putting his finger under my chin and pressing my lips to his.

Before I realized what was going on, I was in Mark's lap, straddling him, kissing him, releasing all my pent up hurt and anger. I knew it was a mistake, but I so longed for someone to hold me and look at me the way Mark did that night. I let his hands explore my body, happy to have someone want to touch me, happy to be in the arms of a man again.

"Addie, are you okay with this?" he asked, looking deep into my hazel eyes, his hands on my hips.

"I…uhh…I think so," I stammered. "Yes. Yes, I'm okay."

I took a deep breath as he slipped my lacy purple camisole over my head. My fingers stumbled over the buttons on his blue oxford. As I trembled, he pulled my black pants over my hips and left them in a puddle of clothing on the floor of the sitting room. He slipped his hand into my panties, and I shuddered. My head on his shoulder, I finally felt warm inside.

"What do you say we move this into the bedroom?" he asked as he stood with me in his arms.

"Yeah," I whispered into his ear.

As Mark carried me through the house, he unbuttoned his pants. He lay down on the bed with me underneath him. We were so overcome by passion that I failed to hear the garage door rise. I moaned with pleasure as he entered me, his tongue caressing my breasts. By the time I noticed the familiar footsteps of my husband in his usual returning home routine, it was too late.

It had been a long day, and I was not in the mood for one of Addison's tirades. I lost a patient on the table this morning, and had to perform three emergencies in addition to those already on the board. A car crash claimed the lives of a mother and daughter, leaving a father who had a heart attack at the wheel in critical condition. His seven year old daughter died on my table. The mother did not make it to the hospital. It never gets any easier to lose a patient, and I always wonder if it was my mistake that cost the life. Looking back, was there something I could have done differently?

I knew it was a mistake to go straight home after work. I did not want to have to put up with her in one of her moods. As I pulled into the driveway, I knew something was awry. My best friend's car was in the driveway. I knew it was a mistake to go into my house, but I went in anyway. Mark's jacket was on the back of a chair in the kitchen, his shoes beside the brown suede couch in the sitting room. My wife's clothes were lying in a puddle on the floor, next to Mark's shirt.

I walked down the hallway, following the noises coming from the bedroom I had shared with my wife for the last decade of my life. As I opened the door, the first thing I saw was the backside of my best friend, my wife's legs were in the air.

"What…Why…ADDISON!" I stood in the doorway, looking at my wife and my best friend in bed together.

"Derek! Derek, wait!" she cried after me as I stormed from the room.

"Put your clothes on, you little whore. Stupid little whore."

"Derek, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It…we…"

"Who else, Addison? Who else is there?"

"He…I only…"

"No. I don't care. Get dressed and start packing. I don't want to see either of you here when I get back." I grabbed my keys off the counter top in the kitchen.

"Derek, please listen to me. I've never done something like this before. I swear."

"Save it for someone who cares, Addison. I most certainly do not care. You look like a prostitute, and you're behaving like a child." I gestured in disgust to my half naked wife. "You smell like sex, you rotten, dirty, little whore. How can you live with yourself?"

I had never in my lifetime raised my hand to hit a woman, but when she opened her mouth to speak, I found myself raising my hand. When she reached out to take my hand, tears streaming from her beautiful eyes, I hit her. I hit my wife so hard she fell into the breakfast table. For a moment, I stood frozen in my place. The shock on her face made me feel horrible and angry at the same time.

"I'm sorry. Addison, I'm sorry," I apologized sincerely as she began to sob.

"Me too, Derek. I'm sorry too."

Even after I apologized, I couldn't get past the fear in her big green eyes. In the years that we were together, I saw many emotions in her eyes. Anger, at me for missing dinner or canceling a date. Sadness, whenever she lost a patient and again when her father died. Happiness, the shine in her eyes when I woke her in the middle of the night, after we had just gotten married, to tell her how much I love her. Anxiety, I'll never forget the look on her face when scrubbed in to separate conjoined twins for the first time. She had no idea that the surgery she pioneered would change the odds of conjoined twins surviving. The only time I can recall fear is the time her patient's husband pinned her to a wall. His dead wife had just been taken away, and I walked in as the man held a knife to Addison's throat. Her face had gone completely white, and her green eyes were wide with fear, bright with tears. I hit the code button on the wall and shoved Mr. Spier away from Addie. A team rushed in and surrounded him as I picked my trembling wife up from the floor. I had never seen Addison that scared before, or ever again, until now. The difference this time, though, is that I, the person who promised to love and take care of her, put the fear in her eyes. I stomped up the stairs and put my fist through the wall in my bathroom.

4


	2. Chapter 2

"SHE IS MY WIFE!" Derek yelled at Mark, who had been cowering in the hallway. "You were supposed to be my friend, my brother. What the hell were you thinking? Where was common sense? What happened to 'never compete over a woman'? What happened to 'be the better man and let someone else win the girl? What the hell is wrong with you?"

I stood in the middle of the kitchen of the brownstone I'd shared with my husband for the last decade, unable to believe what had just happened. Did I actually have sex with my husband's best friend? My marriage was already on the rocks, and I just pushed my husband over the edge. I sucked in my breath as I heard Derek thundering down the stairs on Mark's heels.

"Derek," I began.

"I don't want to hear it, Addison," he shouted as he shoved Mark, half-naked, outside and into the pouring rain.

"Derek!"

"No, Addie! Since you love Mark so much why don't you sleep at his place tonight!" Derek yelled, the vein in his forehead enormous and purple, as he shoved me outside as well.

I turned to see him close the door in my face and began to cry when I heard the lock click into place. Banging on the door, I begged Derek to let me in. A few minutes later, the door cracked open, and I was greeted by an assortment of Chanel, Prada, Armani, Dior, and various other designers. I put my hand into the door just as Derek slammed it shut.

"Owww!" I pulled my hand away to find the door being slammed yet again.

"So, do you want to stay at my place tonight?"

"Mark! You're an ass!"

"I guess that's a 'no'?"

"Leave, Mark."

Just as Mark retreated down the driveway, the front door opened a second time. Expecting my Blahniks to soar through the air and toward my head, I ducked under a bush. Instead, Derek pulled me to my feet and dragged me back into the house.

"Derek, I'm so,"

"No. I still don't want to hear it. You stay here tonight. I don't think I can be in this house knowing that…without…I can't stay here, so you stay."

"Derek, can't we please talk about this. Something like that…it's never happened before."

"You really expect me to believe that? Seriously? You want me to believe that I walk into my own home, find my wife in bed with my best friend, on my favorite sheets, and it never happened before this day?" The vein in his forehead was growing larger by the second.

"Yeah. It's the truth, Derek. We never…" I trailed off.

"Whatever," he muttered as he stomped up the stairs.

I stood in a bedroom that now felt tainted to me. Mark's scent was still in the air, and the usually perfect sheets were thrown halfway off the bed. I looked around, unsure of what to do with myself, and pulled out my cell phone.

"Richard, I need a favor," I said when the chief of surgery at Seattle Grace answered his phone.

"Derek, it's so good to hear from you! How are you? How is Addison?"

"I need a favor. Can you help me out?"

"Sure. What's going on? Is something wrong?"

"I need to get away from New York for a little while. Do you think you'd have room for another surgeon on your staff?"

"For a superb neurosurgeon such as yourself, of course."

"I'll be in Seattle by 8:00 a.m. tomorrow."

"What's going on? Are you and Addie moving out here?"

"No, I'm coming alone."

"Are you okay?"

"Listen, I'd rather not talk about it now. How about I fill you in when I get to Seattle Grace?"

"Sure. I have an appy scheduled for seven in the morning, but I should be finished with that and post-ops around eleven or so."

"That's great! Thanks, Chief. I'll see you about 11:30 then."

"I'll be in my office. Ask Patricia to show you where it is."

"Yes, sir."

I snapped the cell phone together and pulled out a suitcase. Packing everything I could into the expensive boxcar on wheels Addison had forced me to buy, I decided to leave Addison a note telling her where I was going. I didn't have the energy to listen to her apologize anymore, nor did I want to look at her. The very sight of the woman who was once my best friend made me feel as though someone had ripped out my small intestine and tied it around my neck. Being in our bedroom made me feel nauseated. I slipped out of the house, leaving Addison a note in place of my favorite coffee cup that usually sat next to hers.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, I awoke to find myself alone in bed. I had come upstairs to straighten our room after Derek left then fallen asleep while waiting on him to return. This was not an unusual occurrence, but something else was different. I did not hear the shower running in Derek's bathroom, nor did I smell his cologne or aftershave. I couldn't smell coffee brewing in the kitchen or hear the CD player in the den. I got up, the house suddenly seemed to be much colder, and put on my red velvet robe. Venturing into the kitchen, I flipped on the coffee maker. I turned to get my cup, and in place of Derek's cup, there was a note.

"I couldn't sleep here knowing I had been betrayed in my own home. By the time you get this, I will be in Seattle," the note, written in Derek's bold handwriting, read.

I sank onto the terracotta tile and began to cry. I wanted my husband to want me, to fight for me, but instead he put a continent between us. I cried until I could no longer breathe, then I curled up into fetal position on the floor, hoping it was all a nightmare. Just as I was gearing up to let loose more tears, my cell phone rang.

"Addison Sh-Shepherd," I spoke into the phone as professionally as I could, but my voice still cracked.

"Addie, are you okay?" Mark's voice came over the line.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Addison, can I come see you?"

"NO! I want to be with Derek!" I sobbed.

"Addie, he left you, but I'm still here. I want to be with you."

"Why?"

"Why do I want to be with you?"

"Uh-huh," I sniffled.

"Because every time you smile, it reminds me of how I felt the first time I fell in love. When I see you smile, I fall in love all over again."

"You what?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"I love you, Addie. I've been in love with you since the three of us were lab partners in Gross Anatomy, but Derek was…is…my best friend. I let him have the girl because I knew he was so infatuated with you that he couldn't sleep. He would get so clumsy when you were around."

"So you were the one who pushed him to ask me out?" 

"Yep. I wanted to see my only brother happy."

"Oh, Mark! I love him so much!" the tears began to fall again.

"I know you do. Shh. It will all be okay. Shh."

"But, but he left! He flew to Seattle!"

"Can I come over? He doesn't want to be with you, but I do."

Sighing, I realized Mark was right. Pompous jackass that he was, he was right. There was no use fighting a battle I had already lost. My husband didn't want to be with me, hadn't wanted me in a very long time. Why should I resist someone who does?

"Sure, you can come over."

"I'll see you in a few minutes."

After I hung up, I scurried around the house, straightening things that were out of place. I collected the clothes that Derek had scattered from the bedroom to the front hall and onto the porch. Then I jumped in the shower. I was just pulling my robe back around me when I heard the doorbell. I took one last look around to make sure nothing was out of place, checked my reflection in the mirror, and went downstairs to answer the door.

"Hi," Mark greeted me with roses and a kiss.

"Mark…" I began.

"No, no. You don't get to feel guilty. He's gone."

"Thank-you for the flowers and for…do you really love me?"

"Yes, I do. I've loved you for the last ten years. Do you know how hard it is to want to be happy for someone and want to break his arm at the same time? Because that's how I've felt for a long time. Now, are you going to invite me in or am I just going to stand here and hold these roses?"

"Oh, sorry. Here, let me take those. I'll put them in some water."

"So, do you want to try the dating thing or just pick up where we left off?" Mark asked as I filled a vase with water.

"Well, we already know each other."

"How about we start from yesterday then?"

"Okay." I smiled as Mark placed a hand on the curve in my back.

"You taste like strawberry champagne and vanilla," Mark whispered against my neck.

"You remind me of the candy I wasn't allowed to eat as a little kid, but that my sister and I would sneak a taste of as soon as mom left us with a baby-sitter."

"I guess it kind of fits, then doesn't it."

"Mmmhmm."

Mark picked me up, sat me on the countertop, and put his body between my legs. It was then that I realized I was still naked underneath the robe. Suddenly shy, I tried to push my legs back together, but Mark wouldn't let me.

"I don't have anything on under the robe. I didn't have time to get dressed."

"Well that just makes things a whole lot easier then."

"Mark…"

"You said we could pick up, but if you're not ready yet, that's okay."

"No, I'm ready. It's just…Well, Derek and I never did things like this."

"Like what?"

"Have sex on countertops in the kitchen."

"Is sex on the countertop not okay? We can move this to the dining room table if that will make you more comfortable."

"Mark!" I giggled as he slipped his hands into my robe.

"Here, I'll make things a little more even between us," Mark pulled his shirt over his head and flung it onto the refrigerator, then he unzipped his jeans and kicked them onto the breakfast table. "Do you feel better now that we're both half dressed?"

"I feel like I'm in a position to take advantage," I whispered into his ear as I ran my fingers up the middle of his back.

"Feel free to take advantage all you want," he said, pulling my hips into his.


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: I've decided it gets too confusing having both points of view in each chapter, so I'm going to alternate with Addison speaking in one chapter and Derek in the next, etc. Also, I never realized how addicting reviews are, so keep them coming! One more note, I'm going to try to update more often now that college has given my life back. Let me tell you, the pre-med major is tough!_

My plane landed in Seattle after six and a half hours of nonstop airtime. After claiming my baggage, I walked over to the closest car rental station and rented a Toyota Camry. I slapped a credit card onto the desk and collected the keys from a petite blonde woman who kind of reminded me of the Kewpie dolls my sisters played with as kids. Her whole face looked like it was made of plastic. Then, I stepped out into the rain Seattle is known for and searched out the car I had rented from the Kewpie doll named Rainbow. Seriously. Her name was Rainbow.

After loading my suitcases into the trunk of the car, which smelled like beer and cigarettes, I turned on the radio. As my luck would have it, "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston blared into the car. The song that Addison and I danced to at our wedding made my ears ring.

"Damn it!" I shouted, banging my fists onto the steering wheel. "Damn."

Pulling into traffic, I headed toward Seattle Grace. I wasn't due to meet Richard for another hour and a half, but it had also been awhile since I drove around Seattle. I began flipping through the radio stations and let my mind wander to my new job as head of neurosurgery. There was only one staff member other than Richard and Patricia that I was even remotely familiar with. Preston Burke. In New York, he was known as a cocky and arrogant cardiothoracic surgeon, but everyone also knew he was the best. Mount Sinai would have loved to have him join there staff. I came to the conclusion that he would be my biggest competition for chief whenever Richard decided it was time to retire.

"Derek, hello!" I was greeted by Patricia upon arriving at Seattle Grace.

"Hello. It's good to see you again. How are you and your family?"

"We're all doing very well. I'm a grandma now!" she beamed at the mention of the new joy in her life.

"Excellent! Congratulations!"

"So, the chief tells me you'll be joining our staff."

"That's the plan."

"Wonderful! He's just finishing up rounds. While we wait on him, can I get you something to eat or drink? You must've had a long flight."

"Some coffee would be nice, but it's on me. What would you like?"

"Oh, no. I'm fine. Let me show you to Richard's office. There is a coffee cart just down from there."

"Okay. You lead the way." I followed Patricia through the hospital and down a corridor leading to the offices of the department chiefs.

"The coffee cart is around the corner. After you get some, go ahead and have a seat in Richard's office. I'll let him know that you're here, and he should be in shortly."

"Thank-you, Patricia."

I gazed around the office that could potentially become my own, and I couldn't help but think Addison's decision to screw my best friend couldn't have come at a better time. Richard would be retiring in the next couple of years, and I never would have known had she not cheated on me. It was tempting to go around the desk and sit in the big leather chair that made the office seem more eloquent.

"Derek! How was your flight?" Richard interrupted my daydreams of being chief.

"It was okay. I had a seat in the business class, and I slept for the majority of it."

"So, care to tell me what brings you to Seattle?"

"How about I hold off on that one, and you fill me in on my new job?"

"Derek, what makes a man sell his multimillion dollar practice, leave his beloved wife, and move across the continent?"

"That's just it, sir."

"What?"

"My wife. I…I caught Addison in bed with another man." I tried to hide it, but the tears in my eyes were painfully obvious.

"No! Not Addison! You two were the most loving couple I have ever met."

"I'd rather not talk about it anymore."

"I understand. How would you like to have dinner with me and Adele this evening?"

"That would be nice. How is she?"

"Well, she's been having some headaches, but I just hired this new neurosurgeon. Maybe he could check on her at some point…."

"Chief, I am honored that you would give me permission to treat your wife. It's an honor."

"Okay, then. Go to your hotel and get cleaned up. Come by our house around seven, and be hungry. Adele is fixing something really nice."

"Sure thing, Chief."

Later that evening, I held a bottle of Merlot and a bouquet of flowers as I rang the Webbers' doorbell. When Richard answered, looking a little pale, I knew something had gone wrong. He ushered me into the house, and I set the flowers and wine on a table in the hall.

"Where is she?" I asked as Richard led the way.

"She was beginning dinner when she said she was getting another one of the headaches. I went upstairs to shower, and told her to lie down, that I would help her when I finished." He led the way into the kitchen where Adele was lying on the floor with a wet towel across her eyes. "I came back downstairs about twenty minutes later and she was sitting in the kitchen floor, bleeding."

"It looks like she passed out with the knife in her hand, but you took care of that, Chief. The sutures look really nice." I referred to the freshly sewn wound on Adele's arm. "Adele? Can you hear me? What hurts?"

"My head and my arm. Ohhh."

"It's okay. Don't try to sit up." I helped Adele settle back onto the floor. "Call for an ambulance. I need to get her in for a CT as soon as possible."

"Yeah. Okay." Richard had become even more pale.

"Adele's going to be fine. I just need to see what's causing the headaches and fainting. Then we can fix it." I turned again to Adele. "Have you had any other symptoms? Adele. Shit! She's seizing. Go out to my car, and bring in my black briefcase! I have some Diazepam in a kit in the front pocket. Hurry!"

_Up next: More Mark/Addison and what's wrong with Adele? Can Derek save her?_


	5. Chapter 5

Eventually, we ended up on the shag carpet in my office, our bodies intertwined. Derek would never have done something like that before. I could only remember a few times that he and I had had sex in the bathtub let alone any other room in the house. He just didn't have that kind of passion in him about us, our relationship. I think it was there once, when we were first married, but it disappeared over time. Or maybe it was always just me. After all, we were the two pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that fit perfectly, exact opposites in almost every way. I was the fiery redhead that everyone said kept him on his toes. He was the perfect man, who went about his business calm and composed. He never got upset or emotional. In the years since we began our residencies, I never once saw him bring a case home with him emotionally speaking, and he would belittle me when I did exactly that.

"They're patients, Addison! They are supposed to be sick." He would say whenever I tried to talk to him about a case that touched me.

"But they're people, too." I would reply.

"You let yourself get too emotionally involved with your patients, Addie. You'll never be able to keep doing your job if you always come home at the end of the day and worry about Mrs. Jones and her sick newborn."

"What is wrong with you? They are people! They have families who are scared and sad and hurt!"

"I know that they are people, but you have to understand something here. We can only do so much as surgeons. We're not gods. We put forth our best effort and hope that it's enough. Sometimes it isn't, and when that happens, it's hard enough to have another death on your record without thinking about poor, widowed Mr. Allen and his two young daughters. Don't think about the families. Just do your job, and come home and do the job you have here. Be a wife."

"I am trying to be your wife! Sometimes it feels like it's a little one-sided here. I work, cook for you, keep this place spotless, and what do I get in return? Nothing! You ask me to be a wife. Well, Derek, I'm doing the best I can, so if there is something that I'm missing, a key quality to being the perfect wife, let me know what it is!"

"You're too emotional. Let's talk about this when you aren't screaming, and you haven't been taken over by estrogen."

"It's not estrogen. It's called being HUMAN! You should try it sometime."

I turned over to my side so that Mark was spooning me and settled myself into his body. Staring into space, I wondered how my marriage had lasted as long as it did. Derek wouldn't let me have feelings for ten years, then Mark was there. Over time Mark had become one of my best friends, too. I knew I could come to talk to him about a case that was tough. He would listen while I cried about the newborn I couldn't save or hold my hand when I had just told a family to say their last words. Sometimes, it was just a shoulder squeeze when we passed in the hall. Whatever it was, Mark let me know he was there.

"What are you thinking about, Beautiful?" Mark pulled me from my daydream.

"Nothing. I thought you were asleep."

"I'm awake. I've been laying here wondering what's keeping you so still and quiet."

"It's nothing."

"The Addison I know is never still or quiet for more than two seconds. What are you thinking about?"

"Mark, I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, I'm here for you, you know."

"Yes, I do know."

"When you get ready to tell me what's on your mind, I'll be here. Preferably right here, exactly like this, but here nonetheless."

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. I leaned my head back and gently kissed him on the cheek. He pulled a blanket off of the futon in my office and covered us. Then, he kissed my neck on the spot just below my ear that, when kissed, makes me feel so content and complete. I turned to look at his face and stared deep into his eyes.

"He never once understood why I brought a case home." I told Mark. "Sometimes it's because those cases hit too close to home."


	6. Chapter 6

_Sorry it took me so long to update. The pre-med major is keeping me busy. _

"It's an arteriovenous malformation on her occipital lobe," I told the chief as I looked at his wife's CT scan. "It's been there ever since she was born."

"Fix it, damn it."

"I'm going to, sir," turning to a nurse, "Prep Mrs. Webber for surgery immediately."

"Shepherd? Is my wife going to be alright?"

"If there are no complications from the surgery, she should make a full recovery. I'll take good care of her."

As I stood in front of a sink, scrubbing in for Adele's surgery, I began to feel slightly apprehensive. My first surgery in Seattle was going to be on the Chief of Surgery's wife! I couldn't believe it. I scrubbed my skin so hard, I almost made myself bleed. Just as I began to finish up, I noticed a lot of commotion inside the OR in front of me.

"Dr. Shepherd! She's coding!"

I rushed into the OR to find the anesthesiologist putting paddles to Adele's chest.

"What the hell happened?"

"I just put her under. I don't know."

"She's bleeding out. We're going to have to work fast. And close the galley and the curtains. I don't want the chief trying to watch this."

"Sure thing, Dr. Shepherd."

"It's a beautiful day to save lives. Let's have some fun," I said my customary saying for beginning any surgery as I stretched my neck and hands. "Ten blade."

I began the work to save the chief's wife, a process that normally takes several hours. As I worked, I thought about Addison. I couldn't help but wonder if she was saving someone's life at the same time, and I remembered a joke we used to have about doing an emergency surgery at the same time.

"I saved a life today," she would begin when we finally got a moment alone, usually a midnight dinner.

"Me, too. Emergency craniotomy."

"Emergency hysterectomy. Just as I was about leave for the day."

"Me, too."

Often we would say the time our surgeries took place, and laugh when it happened at the same time. Then Addie would smile over the dinner table, and we would clink our glasses.

"Here's to saving a life," I'd say.

"Maybe we should clink scalpels instead," was the reply.

I turned to the resident that had been assigned to Adele's case, a small woman nicknamed "The Nazi". I asked her to finish closing up, and I left the OR to find the chief.

"She's doing well, Chief."

"Everything went okay? Why'd you close off the galley?"

"Because I knew you would stand up there and watch. It's not good for you to watch your wife's surgery."

"Were there any complications?"

"Damn it," I thought, "Why did he have to ask that?"

"Well, the surgery was successful. Barring any post-op complications or infections, she will make a full recovery."

"I see a big but in that statement. Be honest with me, Shepherd."

"She coded on the table just before we began. The mass of conjoined blood vessels that had been slowly bleeding out caused a significant blood loss, but we replaced the lost blood. She'll be fine. You'll be able to see her in a little while."

"Thank-you, Derek."

"Not a problem, Chief."

"At least I know I can feel comfortable leaving the hospital in your hands."

"You, what?"

"When I retire, I'll feel at ease knowing you're in the hospital."

"What exactly are you saying, sir?"

"Derek, I'm not a young man anymore. I'm tired. My wife is tired of me living in this hospital. We want to book a vacation for two people. Someday soon, I hope you'll consider becoming Chief of Surgery."

"Thank-you, Sir. I would be honored."

"I'll be watching you closely, Derek. You have some hot competition in this hospital."


	7. Chapter 7

"What do you mean 'they hit too close to home'?" Mark looked at me with a confused expression. "I thought you told me everything about you."

"I've told you almost everything. There are a few things, like this, that I've kept to myself. Only my mom and my sister know about this."

"I want to know, too. But I want to know whenever you get ready. I'll be here for you. I promise. Even if the four of you murdered someone and disguised the body as a dead patient in the hospital."

I giggled. Eventually Mark will have to find out, but thinking about the whole situation still left me feeling guilty and depressed. When I told Derek, he was so supportive of me. He understood that what happened was not my fault and tried to convince me of it. However, I couldn't make myself believe what he, or anyone else for that matter, told me. I still felt like it was my fault. If only I had done something differently. I don't know what, but something. Maybe, just maybe…

_The next day at the hospital…_

"Oh, Dr. Shepherd, is it true?" my ambitious young intern pounced on me as soon as rounds had ended.

"What?" I tried to play the fool as the petit blonde took my arm.

"I heard about you and Der-er-the other Dr. Shepherd."

"Now how on earth did she hear about that," I wondered. "MARK!"

"What, exactly, did you hear about my husband and I?"

"Well, I heard…umm…I heard that he took a position in Seattle, but you're staying here. And…umm…"

"Spit it out, Bramwell, I don't have all day."

"I'm sorry, it's just that I heard he…sort of…foundoutyou'resleepingwithDr.Goodbar," she said in a rush.

"Dr. Who?"

"Oh! I..uhh..I mean Dr. Slone."

"What did you call him?"

"Well, all the interns sort of call him Dr. Goodbar."

"Does anyone else have a nickname? What's mine?"

"Umm, I have to check on…"

"No, you don't."

"Well," she hesitated and flushed from her chest all the way to her hairline. "Sometimes we, especially the guys, uhh…call you Dr. Mounds because you umm…I think I'm gonna be sick!"

I stared dumb founded as Dr. Katie Bramwell disappeared into the women's restroom. The eager intern assisted me in a TTTS _(Author's note: twin-twin transfusion syndrome, mentioned in a season 2 episode)_ her very first week as an intern, and now I make her throw-up. I laughed at the thought of the surgical staff all having candy bar nicknames and tried to picture what some of my friends were getting called. When I felt like I could finally keep a straight face, I walked into the restroom to check on Katie.

"Dr. Shepherd," she began.

"It's okay. All interns have nicknames for their attendings. It's just one of those things."

"Really? What did you call your attending?"

"I don't remember what I called the OB attending, but I do remember calling the cardiothoracic surgeon 'The Digger' because whenever he thought no one was looking, he would pick his underwear out of his…gluteus maximus."

"Really? He did that?" she smiled, though her skin was still pale.

"He was such a geeky little man. We always wondered how he was strong enough to crack a chest."

"Seriously?"

"He was about 5 feet 5 inches, and he probably weighed 132 pounds. Maximum. His shirts were always tucked into his pants, and he wore suspenders and a bow tie every day. But he was brilliant."

"I don't believe you!"

"I have a picture of him somewhere. I'll look for it to bring to you."

"Okay."

"Now, do you think you can finish up with your patients?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And, Katie?"

"Yeah?"

"Please brush your teeth first."

"Okay."

As I walked away, I realized I forgot to ask how she heard about Mark. Anger began to bubble up inside me, and I marched into his office. Slamming the door open, I caused him to jump about a foot into the air. I looked at all the polished mahogany, and I almost felt sad. He didn't have any pictures or personal things decorating his office. I decided to do something about that.

"Did you tell someone we slept together?" I demanded.

"No! Addie, why would I do that?"

"Because you brag about your women like they're trophies that you stack on a shelf and show off to everyone who comes into your living room!"

"I didn't say anything. I swear. You see, Ads, you're kind of a goody-goody around here. I didn't think you'd appreciate me telling everyone that there is a feisty side behind your cute but nerdy little glasses."

"Mark Slone! I'm going to kick your ass!"

"Bring it, Baby."

I leaned over his desk to smack him hard on the cheek, but instead was pulled over the desk and into his lap. He lifted me into the air and situated me more comfortably on his legs.

"I wouldn't have to let you win, Addison," he said with that grin of his, "Because you could definitely kick my ass if you were mad enough, but the thing is I would let you win because I love you too much to chance hurting you if I fought back."

"Why?"

"How many times to we have to go over this to get it through your perfectly defined, yet thick, skull? You are an amazing, beautiful person. I love you because you put everything into what your doing. You are so strong, yet you have this delicacy about you in everything you do. And you're probably the only woman I know that could kick my ass and not mess up your clothes or hair or whatever. Damn it, you're the closest thing to perfect I've ever seen."

"Mark, I'm not perfect. I'm probably the biggest screw-up in this whole hospital."

"Nope. That would be me. I am currently, and will be forevermore the biggest screw-up in this hospital, but I still think you should give me a chance."

"I am giving you a chance, remember?"

"Really give me a chance. Move in with me."

"But,"

"No. I want to see you when I wake up in the mornings and feel you next to me at night and everything in between. Come stay with me, and I'll show you that I'm not always a jerk. You aren't a trophy to me, but you definitely make me feel like I've just won the grand prize…In a nonsexual, really good way," he added, with bright eyes.

Mark Slone was actually being kind and sincere. As he spoke with tears in his eyes, I felt so complete. I wanted to believe everything he said was true, yet I found it so hard to get past him as the "boyfriend" I knew he could be. Still, Mark was offering something I didn't know he realized existed, then it was my turn. I knew he should know what happened all those years ago.

"Okay, but there is something you should know. I wasn't going to tell you this, but you've been very open and honest with me. Now it's my turn," I paused and sighed.

"Oh, Addie, you don't have to tell me whatever it is."

"I do, Mark. I'm ready."

He put his arms around my back and looked deep into my eyes. I didn't try to keep the pain hidden from him. I took a deep breath and tried to focus on things other than the fact that his hands were inches away from my backside. I knew I had to tell him. Otherwise any sort of relationship we built would be a complete lie. I lay my head on his shoulder and fought back the tears that would inevitably fall. Despite my efforts, after six years, I still couldn't keep myself from crying.

"Take your time. I'll be right here," he began to trace figure eights on my back, something he found soothed me by accident after our first board exam.

Another deep breath….

_Author note: Sorry to do that to you guys, but I'm tired. And I sort of changed my mind on what was going to happen. I'll have two Addie chapters in a row though. This was a little longer than usual, but I needed some comic relief before what is getting ready to happen. Tell me if you like Katie, I may try to write her in some more. _


	8. Chapter 8

"We've known each other for a really long time," I began cautiously.

"You don't have to do this," Mark replied.

"You think I'm a goody-goody."

"Addie, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings when I said that."

"No, it's mostly true."

"Mostly?"

"You'll see."

"What or who did you do?"

"Mark!" I gave him my best scare-the-interns glare. "How many siblings do I have?"

"Two. Your older brother and your younger sister. Josh and Kaci."

"How many nieces and nephews?"

I watched Mark's face for any sort of reaction, stalling for time. I knew I could trust him with this information, but giving it out after swearing never to talk about it again was harder than I thought. He pulled back from me and looked deep into my eyes then kissed me gently on the tip of my nose.

"Three. Josh has two daughters and a son."

"I used to have another nephew."

"Used to?"

"He..." I choked back tears, "He…died the first year of my neonatal fellowship."

"Huh?"

"Kaci accidentally got pregnant. She had been seeing this guy for a few months, but he disappeared as soon as she told him about the baby."

"What happened to…your nephew?"

"Kaci didn't want anyone to know she was pregnant, especially our dad. You know how strict he was, and still is, with us girls. She was only 16 at the time. So she and my mom decided to go on a long vacation. Dad didn't question it. He was too busy with his practice to miss them anyway. Instead of going somewhere, they moved into the Plaza. Mom paid for everything with one of her dad's credit cards so my dad wouldn't find out where they were." By this point, tears were falling fast.

"It's okay," he tried to brush the tears, but they kept falling. "Am I going to have to kiss away your tears?"

"No. They'll just keep coming."

"So, what happened when it came time for the baby to be born?"

"He had a congenital birth defect that caused him to have a weak heart. His lungs were underdeveloped, and he had a cleft palate."

"He needed surgery, badly, but my stubborn sister wouldn't let anyone except me operate. Even though I was only a first-year fellow, she wouldn't have it any other way. Her reasoning being that I separated conjoined twins the week before. Why couldn't I save his life too? So, I gathered a team with the best cardio staff at Mount Sinai. The head of cardiothoracic surgery stood next to me, telling me every single move to make. The procedure was textbook, but I couldn't save my nephew. He even said he could just barely do a better job. Kaci never blamed me for losing her son, but I've always blamed myself. I should've refused to do the surgery knowing I didn't have the experience."

"No, Addie, you did the right thing. He just couldn't be saved, and that is not your fault."

"So, now you know why I'm so hell bent on saving every patient I get. I never told Derek. I knew he wouldn't approve of me performing surgery on someone so closely related to me."

"You did what you had to do, and you did your best."

"I just wish I could prevent every other family from having to feel the pain my mother, my sister, and I share."

"Sometimes I wish I could save the world, too. When I was a little kid, I'd pretend to be a superhero that had the ability to heal every disease, broken bone, and stomach ache."

"But what if I could've done something differently? I should've been able to save him, but I didn't. If only I had worked harder or more thoroughly. I should've stepped aside and let the other surgeon take over, but I let my own nephew die on my table." More tears began to fall.

"Oh, Addie," he said, pulling me into him again. "You did exactly what Kaci wanted you to do. She wanted what was best for her son, and she knew you were it. You didn't mess anything up. You didn't forget to do something important. He was too sick to start with."

"He needed a new heart, but he was so small. A matching donor probably would never have come along, even if we tried to wait on one."

"See, you did everything you possibly could have."

"I know."

"If you really do believe that, you shouldn't hold onto it."

"I know. Damn it." I looked down at my beeping pager. "I have to go. 911, and I look like shit."

"No you don't. Here let's try this," he began blotting my face with a tissue, then cleaned the watery mascara out from under my eyes. "Shake out your hair and no one will even notice your eyes are a little puffy."

With a quick kiss, I rushed out of Mark's office and up to the maternity floor. Stepping out of the elevator, I ran toward the commotion at the end of the hall.

_Before I said Derek knew about Addie's nephew, but given their argument earlier, I think it's best that he have no idea why she gets so attached._


	9. Chapter 9

"Chief! You're not supposed to be looking at your wife's chart!" I caught Dr. Webber snooping in Adele's chart for about the fourth time since her surgery four days ago.

"I just wanted to see how she's doing."

"I realize that, but I'm her doctor. Ask me how she's doing."

"How is she?" the chief sighed, as he glared at me.

"She's great. She should be able to go home in a day or so."

"What about you? You haven't left this hospital since I hired you."

"I have. I went home…umm…well…Okay, maybe I haven't."

"Where are you staying? Are you living in a hotel?"

"Not exactly. I bought some land and a trailer over near a lake."

"What does Addison think about leaving New York for a trailer and a lake?"

"She's not coming out here, Richard, you know that."

"I know she cheated on you, but give her a chance. I'm sure it was a one time lapse in judgment."

"She slept with my best friend!"

"I know."

"You know everything."

"Why don't you take a break? Take the day off and go fishing."

"Is there a decent bar around here anywhere?"

"Joe's across the street. The surgeons around here go to Joe's to drown their sorrows, but it's a little early to be drinking. Go home first. Sleep."

"I've slept…umm…a few hours."

"Lack of sleep is the antimilk. It doesn't do a body good. Neither does alcohol. Now go home!"

"Alright, Chief, you win."

I left the hospital and walked straight across the street to Joe's bar. Every time I tried to close my eyes, I had the nauseating vision of my wife's legs in the air on my green flannel sheets. At least, if I passed out, I wouldn't remember dreaming about her. I opened the door to the dimly lit bar. The only other person inside was a small young woman. She was wearing a old and faded Dartmouth t-shirt and jeans with holes in the knees. On her feet were dirty Converse tennis shoes. Something about her looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place exactly what it was. Maybe she had been a patient in the pit?

I sat down a few seats away and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at me skeptically. I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to give away personal information to the woman, and the bartender I assumed to be Joe.

"I'm usually the only person in here before noon. What's sucking in your life?" the woman asked.

"I just got this new job, and it's kind of stressful," I half-lied.

"Oh, yeah? What do you do?"

"Nothing you would be interested in."

"I'm getting ready to start a new job soon, too. I just finished with school."

"She's young," I thought silently, "But not young enough to be a college graduate. Maybe she just finished a master's program…"

"Well, I have to get going. At the rate I'm going, I'll be hungover before 3, and the last time that happened…well, anyway, good luck with your new job."

"Thanks. You, too."

I watched her as she stumbled into the rain. There was definitely something familiar about her. She looked like someone I've seen on TV, but who? I finished the beer in two gulps and ordered another. After finishing it as well, I put a few bills on the bar and walked out into the rain. I drove home and climbed into bed. I decided to sleep a bit and grab some food before heading back to the bar. Just as I settled into the bed in my new trailer, my cell phone began the insistent ringing I recognized as the tone Addison had set for herself. I let it ring into voicemail then turned the phone and my pager off.

Hours later, I woke up to a sound. Realizing the sound was coming from my empty stomach, I wandered into the kitchen to see if I could find something suitable to eat. Settling on some instant macaroni and cheese, I turned on the television. I tried to watch the news, but my mind kept wandering back to the girl in the bar. I put my bowl into the sink and grabbed my keys from the hook next to the door. I decided to see if she was still in the bar. After all, my marriage had ended. Why not have some fun of my own? As I entered the bar, I scanned for a Dartmouth t-shirt. Sure enough, she was sitting on the last stool at the bar, kind of slumped over.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I sat down next to her.

"I'm fine. Joe won't let me have any more tequila."

"Ah, so you're pouting."

"I'm not pouting!" she screeched.

I ordered a drink, still fascinated by the girl who seemed reluctant to offer a name.

"I'm Derek," I said, taking my drink.

"That's a nice name. I always wanted to change my name when I was a teenager. I wanted something that would go better with my pink hair and black clothes."

"What is your name?"

"That's not so important, is it?"

"I guess not."

After I'd had a few beers, I offered to take her home. I felt bad for her, sitting alone in a bar where the bartender refused to allow her to drink.

"Do you want to come inside?" she asked as I stopped in front of the house she directed me to.

"Umm…sure."


	10. Chapter 10

As I walked into the room, I found a mother holding a very blue newborn. The baby had been delivered the day before by cesarean when it was discovered that the baby was breech. All had been well post-delivery. I rushed into the room and immediately began checking the infant girl who had been born a week early.

"Call pediatrics. We're going straight to the NICU," I told Katie, as I listened to the baby's chest through the stethoscope.

"She has a collapsed lung, Dr. Shepherd," Katie answered, rushing to alert peds that we would be there shortly.

I inserted a needle between the baby's ribs at the second intercostals space. Immediately, I heard a puff of air, signaling the re-inflation of the collapsed lung. Just as she began to breathe on her own, the Isolette that she would have to remain in for a while arrived to take her to the NICU. As we arrived at the NICU, she stopped breathing again. I turned to Katie. It was quiz time.

"You should've had the needle in her chest before I got to that room," I reprimanded.

"I'm sorry. I got the page when I was at lunch. I came into the room only a few minutes before you."

"Why wasn't anyone monitoring that baby?"

"Mother and baby were fine post-op. She wasn't being monitored by machine. The mother didn't realize anything had happened until the baby began turning blue."

"Well, now she may be taking home a brain-damaged child."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd. I'd asked for the needle just before you came in."

"What should we do now?" I gave Katie a hard glare.

"A chest tube should be inserted to help her breathe."

"Good. Do it."

"Me? By myself?"

"You better not kill this child."

I turned on one Blahnik to return to the mother's room. I would have to inform her of the possibility that her baby girl could have suffered brain damage and of the surgery. All things considered, the mother seemed to handle the situation quite well. She asked about the risks involved with surgery, but her eyes only welled for a moment. Trying to be a reassurance, I patted her on the arm. Then I went back to the NICU to check up on Katie.

"How's our patient, Dr. Bramwell?" I asked as I entered the scrub room.

"She's breathing on her own again."

"Good. Show me what you can do."

After Katie inserted the chest tube and began to close up, I went to find Mark. He was sitting exactly as I left him at his desk. I closed the door behind me and sat down on his chair arm. He pulled me into his lap.

"Spontaneous pneumothorax in a one day old infant," I answered the questioning look in his eyes.

"How's the patient?"

"Doing well, no thanks to my intern. When I got there, she was just standing there. The baby had been without oxygen for a couple of minutes at least."

"What did she say?"

"That she had asked for the needle to use to re-inflate the baby's lung."

"The baby will be fine, Addison. Two minutes without oxygen won't cause significant brain damage."

"But she should've already had the needle in the baby's chest and peds on the way," my voice was louder than I meant for it to be.

"I know. Addie, it's okay. The baby will be fine," he said again.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"You can't help it. Don't be sorry."

He kissed the top of my head, which was resting on his shoulder, and I began to relax. His touch seemed to have a calming effect on me. Settling into his arms was a nice feeling. I couldn't help but smile.

"What's with the cute little grin?" he asked.

"Happy."

"Do you want to go on a date tonight?"

"Seriously?" my eyes widened at the thought of an actual date.

"Yes, seriously."

"Yeah!"

"I'll come pick you up around 7:30."

"Okay. I can't wait!"

True to his word, Mark arrived at exactly 7:30. The doorbell rang, and when I opened it, I was greeted by a bouquet of orchids exactly the same color as the Prada dress I bought especially for the occasion. I took the flowers from him and set them on a table in the foyer. The he opened his jacket and pulled an envelope from the inside. I took it curiously and began to open it.

"Not yet," he put his hand over mine. "That's for after dinner."

"Where is dinner?"

"You'll see."

He wrapped my gray silk shawl around my shoulders and opened the front door. We walked into the cool night air toward a limousine. He opened the door and allowed me to get in before getting in himself. As we settled into the seats, he poured two glasses of my favorite French champagne. He handed me one glass then pulled a box from under the seat. The box was fairly large and tied with a huge purple bow.

"Can I have this one now?"

"Yup."

I untied the ribbon and opened the box to find a shaggy brown teddy bear inside. The bear was wearing scrubs, a surgical mask, booties, and a stethoscope. The name on the birth certificate said "Max". Immediately, tears began to well in my eyes. I glanced up at Mark, who was waiting to see my reaction with a blank face.

"How did you find out my nephew's name?"

"His birth and death records were on file."

"Oh. Right. That makes sense."

"He came from Build-a-Bear workshop. You have no idea how stupid I felt jumping in a circle and kissing a teddy bear, but you're worth it. Is it okay that I named him Max?"

"Yes. He's perfect."

"I always thought your room looked too grown up."

"We are grown ups!"

"I know, but you needed a stuffed animal, and I seem to remember you saying Derek thought they just collected dust."

"He did. All of my stuffed animals are at my parents' house."

"Well, you need a stuffed animal."

"Thank-you, Mark. You have no idea how special this is to me."

Just then, we arrived at the restaurant, Alain Ducasse at the Essex House. I was impressed, as Alain Ducasse is one of the most expensive restaurants in New York. We walked inside and were shown straight to our reserved table. Mark pulled out my chair for me and draped my shawl over the back of my chair after pushing my chair in. We were offered the special, a meal that came highly suggested Mark. Wine was served and drank in silence, feeling suddenly awkward now that we were in a dating situation.

"Did you enjoy the meal?" he asked as we walked to the limousine.

"It was lovely. Thank-you. Now where are we going?"

"To see 'Chicago'."

"Really? I've been trying to get Derek to take me to see 'Chicago' forever!"

I leaned over and kissed Mark directly on the lips. He put his arm around my waist, one hand in my hair.

"You're so beautiful."

After the musical, I stepped outside where a horse drawn carriage sat waiting. Mark lifted me into the carriage, and we rode around the city. Mark draped his arm around my shoulders to keep me warm on the unusually cool summer evening. Resting my head on his shoulder, I began to remember what it was like to feel loved again. It had been a perfect evening once we maneuvered out of the awkward moment in the restaurant. We held hands the entire ride, perfectly content to be in each other's presence. When we stopped, we were in front of a gate.

"Here we are," Mark said, lifting me out of the carriage.

"Where is 'here' exactly?"

"We're going for a moonlight stroll in the most beautiful garden in New York."

He led me into the garden along a beautiful path, and stopped next to a blanket on the ground surrounded by candles. A metal serving platter was in the middle of the blanket.

"What's this?"

"Dessert."

I opened the lid to find the most spectacular chocolate cake I had ever seen. Mark cut the cake, but when I tried to take the piece he put on the china, he reached out to stop me. He took the plate and fork from my hands.

"Ladies first," I argued.

"Open up, beautiful," he held the fork up to my lips, and I took a bite.

"Mmm. That is so good," was the reply.

"No fair with the sexy noises."

"Mmm. Mmm."

"You're just trying to turn me on."

"Mmm hmm."

We finished the most delicious cake and curled up on the blanket, spooning. He caressed my neck and shoulder with his thumb, kissing each place before he touched it. I turned my head to kiss him back, and he pulled me into him. I broke away from him, breathless.

"What's wrong?"

"Are we going to get in trouble?"

"No, one of my buddies owns this place. He unlocked it just for me, his wife made the cake and set up the blanket and candles. You still look concerned."

"I'm okay. It's just that I've never seen this side of you."

"Don't tell anyone, okay," he said as he pulled the blanket over us while simultaneously slipping my dress off.

"Mmm'kay," I mumbled, falling into rhythm with his body.


	11. Chapter 11

Some weeks later, I found myself still mystified by the petite woman I now knew to be Meredith. I still couldn't figure out exactly where I knew her from, nor did I attempt to find out. I didn't want to scare her off with the whole "you seem really familiar thing." Instead, we would meet up at Joe's, have a few drinks, and end up at her place. The house was huge for one very small person. I guessed it had been her parents' home at one time, but she wouldn't tell me who they were. Hell, I didn't even know her last name. There was just something about her. Something that I couldn't escape. I found myself wondering about the mystical stranger I had grown so fond of. I considered telling her about Addison, but I decided to wait until I knew for sure we shared the same feelings.

"Wake-up!" she yelled, slamming a pillow onto my backside. "I have to go. I can't be late for my first day!"

"Ohh," I groaned. "Why do you always wake me up with so much force?"

"You have to leave now."

"Seriously? What's with the pillow slamming and loud noises?"

"I don't know. I'll meet you at Joe's in a few days. Now, you have to go!"

She shoved my clothes into my arms and began pushing me toward the front door. To be so tiny, she could put up quite a fight. I grabbed her, kissing her deeply. I didn't want to leave her. She brought so much more to my life: things that had been missing for a very long time. It wasn't Addison's fault. She tried, but in the end, we both got busy. I forgot to pay attention to her, and when I did remember, I was too damn tired to try. In the end, I drifted away from her, sometimes I pushed her away, and I forced her to look elsewhere for company. I never thought she would turn to another man. I thought her girlfriends would keep her occupied enough, but I was wrong. We both screwed up, and I became bound and determined to never do it again. I had to tell Meredith. Or at least find out if she was at all serious about me.

"Meredith?"

"What?"

"When do you have to be at work?"

"9 am."

"It's only 7:15. Do you think we could talk?"

"I guess," she replied nervously.

"I like you. I like you a lot, but I don't want to be in half a relationship. It doesn't work out. So, what I need to know is, how do you feel about me?"

"I like you, too, Derek. But I have so many problems you don't even know about."

"Every relationship has baggage. That's just part of it. I want to know things about you."

"I want to know things about you, too."

"Good. You start. Where are you going for work today?" I couldn't quite bring myself to tell her about Addison yet.

"A hospital," she replied after some hesitation.

"What are you going to do there? Are you a nurse?" I quickly realized I had guessed wrong by the expression on her face.

"My turn to ask you now. Where do you work?"

"A hospital."

"Are you a doctor?"

"It's my turn again. Answer my second question."

"I'm beginning a surgical residency."

"I'm a neurosurgeon." I said, and we laughed at the situation at hand.

"Maybe this relationship could work," I thought. "We apparently have some things in common."

"Which hospital?" we asked in unison.

I knew the answer before she even said it. Meredith was going to start her residency at Seattle Grace. It was karma. I answered for her, and she smiled then frowned. Suddenly, I felt very anxious. I really liked Meredith, and I didn't want to lose her to some hospital rules. I also didn't want to cause her problems. Dating an attending would definitely be grounds for causing problems. I looked her in the eyes. The dark expression she wore the first time I saw her in the bar was back. I hadn't seen that expression for almost four weeks. It pained me to see her look sad.

"I don't want to lose you," she began to sniffle.

"You won't lose me. We can work this out somehow. I'll go talk to the chief and tell him we met weeks ago. It'll be alright." I pulled her into my arms.

"Couldn't we just keep it secret for a while?" she asked, a pleading look in her eye.

"I really do like you, Meredith, and I'm going to fight for you. We have to be honest from the beginning. Everyone will know by the end of the week anyway."

"I guess you're right. The rumor mill does seem to keep going in hospitals."

"So, you get ready for your first day. Eat a good breakfast. You'll need it. I'm going to go straight to the chief's office and discuss this with him."

"Okay," she quickly kissed me on the cheek and patted my butt on the way out the door.

As I drove toward the hospital, I wondered what I should say to the chief. I knew he wouldn't be happy to hear that he already had an attending sleeping with an intern. At Mount Sinai, sleeping with an intern marked you with the scarlet letter. I parked in my usual space in the hospital parking garage and took a deep breath. In just a few minutes, I could potentially cause Meredith a lot of problems or end up with a new and fun relationship.

"Chief?" I called out as I knocked on the door. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"Derek, come in. We're getting a transfer patient today. Katie Bryce is sixteen and has been having grand mal seizures. She'll be flown in within the hour. Also, we will be getting all new interns today, as you well know. One of them will be assigned to Katie's case, thus she will be assigned to you as well. Her name is Meredith Grey."

"Damn," I thought as he began telling me all about my girlfriend.


	12. Chapter 12

"Morning, Sunshine," Mark whispered into my ear, trying to wake me up.

"No," I mumbled, pulling the pillow over my head.

"I have a surprise for you."

"Surprise?" I sat up immediately.

For the last few weeks, Mark had been a completely different person. He was constantly surprising me with little things at the hospital, or taking me out to dinner. One night, I opened the door to his place, and was greeted with the smell of Italian cuisine. He actually cooked. By himself! Granted, it was salad, spaghetti, and bread, nothing fancy. Before that, however, I'd never even seen the man touch a stove or oven. He was spoiling me, and it was nice.

"Yes, surprise. Now, get your lazy ass out of bed!" he swatted my backside before picking me up out his king size sleigh bed.

"Where are you taking me?"

"It's a surprise!"

"Would you stop saying that already! You're worse than a kid!"

He carried me through the apartment and deposited me on the couch. I crossed my arms and pouted, demanding to be told what was going on. Mark simply rolled his eyes and muttered something about red heads not having any patience. Then he handed me a cup of coffee.

"I have to get ready for work."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do. Mark this has gone on long enough. What is going on?"

"Wait for it."

"I'm tired of waiting!"

"Listen up, you little fireball. You're going to find out in about…" The demanding tone of my pager cut him off.

"See. I have to go to work!" I stared at the number on my pager.

"Damn it, Addison. Answer the page."

After calling my chief at Mount Sinai, I turned to look at Mark who was grinning like a little boy on Christmas morning.

"Surprise!" he yelled, looking more excited than the Easter bunny on crack, on Christmas morning in Disneyland with a gallon of ice-cream.

"I have a day off? That's my surprise?"

"We both have the day off."

"What did you do?"

"I called the chief and told her you didn't feel well."

"Mark! You know I don't like to do that. I don't want to be punished by actually getting sick."

"Go with it, okay. I have a fun day planned. Starting with breakfast."

It was then that I noticed a wonderful smell coming from Mark's minuscule kitchen. I followed the scent to find freshly baked cream cheese and banana nut muffins, Chai tea, and organic milk.

"I even remembered to get organic milk!" he said, noticing my glance at the bottle.

"Thank-you. What are we doing after breakfast?"

"It's a surprise. How many times do I have to say that?" he replied, putting a piece of banana nut muffin into my mouth.

Then he pulled me onto his lap and continued to feed me bites of muffin. Instead of putting a piece into his mouth, I popped it into my own.

"No fair," he whined, kissing my cheek with a milk mustache.

"Eww."

We finished breakfast, and Mark rushed me through my morning routine. When I reached for my typical skirt, he put his hand over mine. Instead, he pulled out a Johns Hopkins t-shirt and told me to find a pair of jeans.

"You do own jeans, don't you?" he asked.

"It's too hot. Can I wear Capri pants?"

"As long as they can get a little dirty."

I pulled on a pair of jean Capris and pink Crocs. Mark grimaced at the sight of the Crocs and asked for the thousandth time why I liked them. Then, he pulled me out the door. We walked down the street and ended up at the zoo. I looked at Mark with raised eyebrows as he pulled out his wallet to pay for admission. For a couple of hours, we wandered through the zoo, eating ice-cream cones and enjoying not thinking about the hospital for a while. It was more fun than I remembered. I hadn't been to a zoo since about the seventh grade. We watched the dolphins splash and play. After that, we went into the reptile house, where I promptly closed my eyes and refused to look until Mark assured me we were back outside. We laughed at the monkeys, and I told Mark he looked like one of them. He swatted me on the backside again and said I had more grace than the dolphins. It was about five minutes after he said that, that I caught my foot in a break in the pavement and fell into the dirt, pulling him with me.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded, trying to ignore the pain in my right ankle. He took one look at my face, and began checking me over. He noticed my slightly swollen ankle and picked me up off the dirt.

"See, I told you we might get dirty. How about I give you a piggy-back ride for a while?"

"It doesn't hurt too much. I'm okay."

"Are you ready for lunch?" he maneuvered me so that I was riding on his back.

"Yup."

We made our way out of the zoo, stopping in the gift shop for some rock candy and a stuffed monkey. After lunch at a delicatessen near the zoo, we went horseback riding in the park and flew kites. When the kites had gotten tangled for about the tenth time, we gave up and lay down on the grass. For a long time, we lay silently, holding hands and looking up at the brilliant blue sky. It had been a perfect day, more fun than I'd had in a long time.

"This has been fun," I said with a sigh. "But I'm getting tired. I think I'm too old to pretend to be a kid."

"We only have one more stop before dinner at the apartment. Is your ankle up to it?"

"It's fine now. Just a little tender."

"Okay, then, we are going whale watching," Mark kissed my sunburned nose.

Usually I love ferry boats, but by the time we got on this one, I was exhausted. We hadn't been out to sea long when we spotted the first whale, but it was about that time when I began to feel a little weak. I tried to focus on the whales, but my head started feeling really fuzzy.

"Mark," I half whined, half cried before running toward the ladies' room.

"Addie?" he knocked on the door a few minutes later. "Are you okay?"

"Just a little motion-sick."

"You've been on boats dozens of times. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I'm just really tired. Can we go home now?"

"Soon, sweetie," he replied, pulling me into his arms.

He held me (or my hair) until the boat returned to Manhattan Island. Putting his arm around my waist, he helped me walk to the waiting limousine. When we were back at his place, he tucked me into bed and kissed my forehead. Then he turned out the light.

"Let me know if you need anything. I'm going to put dinner away for tomorrow."

"Okay," I mumbled before drifting off to sleep, exhausted but still happy. "Thanks for the wonderful day."


	13. Chapter 13

-1"Tell her already. Just tell her that you're married," I muttered angrily.

"Don't do it." The devious side of my subconscious countered.

"Are you okay in there?" Meredith pounded on the bathroom door, shaking me from my daze.

"I'm fine. Sorry. Did you need to get in there?" I came out of the bathroom and sat down on Meredith's bed.

"No. There are two other bathrooms in this house. I'm just worried about you."

"I'm okay. I just zoned out a little bit."

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Meredith asked as she pounced on me.

"Oh, nothing. I get the feeling it's going to be a long day."

"Don't say that!"

"Sorry. You know what, I need to get on to the hospital, but I'll catch up with you for lunch. Okay?"

"Fine then," she pouted.

"I need to talk to the chief."

"Don't tell him about us!"

"I have to, Mer."

She turned her head away, refusing to look at me. I kissed the back of her head good-bye and grabbed my coat from the edge of the bed. There were a few things I needed to discuss with the chief. Meredith, Addison. Plus, I wanted to check on Adele. When I arrived at the hospital, I went straight to the chief's office and knocked.

"Yeah," came the gruff voice.

"Are you busy?"

"Shepherd, I'm always busy. What's up with you and Meredith Grey?"

"That's just what I came to talk to you about. I think I'm falling in love with her."

"I did not hear that."

"I met Meredith weeks before she was an intern. I didn't know who she was until her first day on the job. You can't help who you fall in love with."

"What about Addison? She's like a daughter to me, Derek. I should tell her what you're doing."

"We're getting a divorce," I lied.

"There isn't any way to work it out?"

"She cheated on me with my best friend, Richard, betrayed me in the worst possible way with the one person I'd trusted with everything until I met her. I can't even look at her, but Meredith is so different. She's like a breath of fresh air."

"Derek, she's your intern."

"We'll keep it separate. We'll try our best. We're good for each other. She makes me forget my pain and there's something she's hiding. I can't figure it out, but it hurts her. With time, she'll open up to me."

"You need to tell Addison. Does Meredith know about Addison?"

"Not yet. I was planning on telling her at lunch today."

"Tell her. Soon."

"I will."

I walked out of his office and straight into Meredith. She gave me a quizzical look then turned her head and kept walking. I chased after her and trapped her in the elevator.

"He's okay with it." I said, greeted by a glare. "He didn't get mad."

"Fine."

"Meredith. He had to know, but there's something you should know as well."

The elevator dinged open, and Meredith stepped out. I sighed inwardly, glad to have some extra time to think about how to tell my girlfriend about my wife. I leaned my head on the elevator wall, realizing there wouldn't be a good way to tell her about Addison. As predicted, my day was a little crazy. After a scheduled craniotomy, I also had to do two emergency surgeries. Then we received a newborn with hydrocephalus. Another procedure. When my lunch break finally arrived, I sat down next to Meredith and closed my eyes.

"What's up?" she asked with a concerned look.

"Long day."

"Is that all? You've been different all week. Tell me what's going on."

"Well, it's kind of a long story. I'm going to need you to agree to hear me out before you say anything."

"Okay. I'll listen quietly and," she was interrupted by a beep. "Oh, that's me. Hang on."

Meredith looked at the number on her pager and went to answer the call. A few minutes later, she returned with an odd look on her face. She sat down in her spot next to me, staring blankly across the cafeteria. Then, she turned and faced me. Tears were bright in her eyes. I reached out to take her hand, wondering if somehow Addison had gotten to her first.

"What's wrong, Little?" I used my pet name for her.

"I have to tell you something," she began. "And this time, you have to promise to hear me out."

"Okay."

"My mom isn't traveling. She's sick, in a nursing home."

"Oh, Meredith," I pulled her into my arms.

"That's not the worst part. She just had a stroke. They brought her here, and Chief isn't sure she's going to make it."

"Baby, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

I wanted to be there for her, hold her, and take away her pain. However, I couldn't help but curse my luck that she would get such horrible news right before I was going to tell her, my girlfriend, that I in fact had a wife in New York City. Damn.


	14. Chapter 14

"Dr. Shepherd?" Katie's voice followed a knock from outside my office door. "Are you okay?"

"I'm…" Before I could even get the sentence out, I threw-up again.

"Should I have them take Mrs. Reynolds back to her room? Her C-section was scheduled to begin 10 minutes ago."

"No, I'm…" I paused to throw-up yet again. "I'm coming. Just give me a minute.

"Dr. Shepherd? Are you…puking?"

Apparently, my attempts to be quiet failed. Damn the thin walls. I opened the door to let Katie come inside. My intern looked shocked to see me in such a disheveled state. My hair and face were all sweaty and most of my mascara was running down my cheeks. Quickly, I closed the door behind her.

"Yes." I collapsed into a chair, exhausted.

"Are you contagious?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Believe me, I'm sure. Dr. Bramwell, how would you like to do a C-section by yourself?"

"All by myself? Seriously?"

"Yes."

"I'm kinda scared."

"That's okay. I was scared my first time also. You can do it. You've helped me so many times. You know the procedure well enough to do it blindfolded."

"Thank-you! What's wrong with you? Are you…" she gasped. "No way!"

"I think so. Go make me proud with the C-section." She stared at me as I leaned over the trashcan again. "Then you can do an ultrasound."

"I'll be right back," Katie said as she disappeared from my office.

She returned seconds later holding wet towels and a cup of water then she put one of the towels on the back of my neck. The other one she used to wipe my face. Then she put a straw into the cup and handed it to me.

"Thank-you, but I don't think I can drink this." I croaked hoarsely.

"It's Sprite. Sip slowly through the straw when you've gone at least ten minutes without throwing up. Two sips. Wait a few minutes and take two more."

"Thanks, Katie."

"No problem. Now, I have a C-section to do," she said with a wide grin, "But I'll be back to check on you in about 45 minutes. Keep the towel on your neck for a while and try to rest."

I nodded miserably and watched Katie head out the door with more confidence than I had the first time I did a section on my own. I felt like a proud mother. Then I threw-up again. I leaned back into my chair, exhausted and miserable. Closing my eyes, I hoped everything was going well for Katie. Before I knew it, she was knocking on my door again.

"Dr. Shepherd?" She came into my office positively beaming. "Everything went really well!"

"Congratulations!"

"I did it all on my own! Thanks to your teaching. How are you?"

"I'm miserable, hot, and I kind of want a lime."

"A lime? You are definitely…"

"Don't say it!" I hissed, cutting her off.

"I'm sorry, but you are. Is it Mark's?"

"I don't know. There was this one time, not too long before I slept with Mark, where Derek could possibly have…"

"So, you have no idea who got you pregnant?"

"Do you know how to do a paternity test?"

"Yep."

"Okay, after the ultrasound, you might be able to do one. If I'm far enough along."

"I don't have any DNA to compare it with."

"Yes, you do. We had sex this morning."

"And you didn't take a shower?! No offense, but that's really gross!"

"I didn't shower because I was here! And I started throwing up."

"Ewww! Did you have sex in your office?"

"No, his."

"Okay let's do this ultrasound."

We went down the hallway, discussing some charts, until we found an empty room with an ultrasound machine. When we found one, we pushed a chair against the door. I settled myself on a table, feeling a bit awkward to be in the reversed role. Then Katie squirted some jelly on my stomach, and I shivered.

"That's cold! Now I understand why patients complain."

"Sorry," she maneuvered the device around my lower abdomen until a small speck popped up on the screen. "You are officially pregnant. From the looks of it, I'd say about 10 weeks."

"It could be either of them. Save Mark's DNA. We'll have to do a paternity test in two weeks."

**A/N: Up next: who's the daddy? Please review!!!! Thanks!**


	15. Chapter 15

I was impressed. Meredith's mother passed away two days ago, but she's been handling it well. Ellis had suffered from Alzheimer's disease before the stroke. From what Meredith had told me, the last year and a half had not been easy for either of them. The stroke left her in a comatose state. Adhering to her mother's wishes, Meredith had ended the life support. The funeral was this morning, and all went well. Meredith cried a little, and last night, she had woken up crying a time or two. I held her until she calmed down and fell asleep in my arms. Overall, she seemed to be doing okay.

"Derek?" she wandered sleepily into the living room of the trailer, having just awoken from a nap.

"Hey, sweetie. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," she answered with a yawn and settled herself into my lap.

I pulled the hunter green fleece blanket over the two of us and cuddled her close. Her hair smelled like fresh lavender; she'd washed it this morning. Her skin had the aroma of honeysuckle in July. I gently kissed her temple, and she snored softly, already back to sleep. I stretched out on the small brown couch, spooning her.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"How's she holding up?" the chief asked.

"Seems to be doing well. She's been sleeping without meds and eating normally."

"Good. She's your intern today. She needs a little spoiling. Oh, and Addison called."

"She did? What did she want?"

"She didn't say. She just left a message with Patricia to have you call."

"Hmm…"

"When will your divorce be final? What does Meredith think?"

"Well, I haven't told her, yet."

"Shepherd! You know I don't like this!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I was trying to tell her when she got the page about her mother."

"Tell her, Derek. Tell her today. She has a right to know."

"I will, Chief. I have to go check on a post-op patient that had some problems overnight."

"You better," the response was menacing.

I knew the chief meant business, but I was glad to have avoided talking about Addison. I had been ignoring Addison's phone calls and pages. I had know idea whether she filed for divorce, but I hadn't filed yet. I was thankful that the chief didn't press the issue of my wife. I had to figure out how to tell Meredith about Addison, but I didn't want to hurt her. No matter what I did though, she would be hurt and angry. I wouldn't blame her one bit.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"Mer? There is something we need to talk about," I decided a straightforward approach would be best.

"I'm fine! I promise. My mother and I had a difficult relationship to begin with. Now, I don't have to worry about it anymore, and she's not suffering either."

"That's not what I wanted to talk about."

"Oh, well, what then?" she asked, obviously grumpy.

"Could we discuss it over dinner? Say, at that Japanese restaurant you like so much?"

"You hate Japanese. Are you trying to bribe me? What did you do?"

"I just have something serious to talk about."

"Well, is it 'I have a serious health condition' serious or 'I have a wife and four kids serious'?"

_If only she knew how close she was._

"Why do ask that?"

"Because, from the look on your face, I'm not going to like what you're going to say to me. I just wanted to know if I should be prepared to hate you or help you."

"Oh. So what time do you want to meet?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"What question?"

"Am I going to hate you or help you?"

"Oh, well, I didn't know you wanted me to…"

"Dude, don't finish that sentence," came the passing voice of Alex Karev.

"No, Derek, finish it. I want to know."

"I think it might be a little of both."

"The other question!"

"What other question?"

"Never mind! I get off at 9 pm. That will make for a late dinner, but that's okay with me."

"I'll pick you up at 9 then."

"See you then."

She turned on her Converse heel and walked toward Cristina, who was coming up the hall and looking daggers in my direction. I quickly hopped the elevator and went down two floors. That had not gone as well as I had hoped. Just at that moment, my pager began to beep. I looked at the number to find that Addison was paging me again. Quickly, I cleared her number from the screen and went to follow up on the neuroblastoma patient, a four year old girl with a malignant tumor on her spinal column.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

When I picked Meredith up at her place, she appeared to be in a better mood. She looked amazing as well. I took her hand and apologized for earlier in the day. In response, she leaned over and put her head on my shoulder. All was well. For the most part, the fifteen minute drive to the restaurant was quiet. Meredith was tired, and I was contemplating how to tell her about my wife.

"So, what's up?" Meredith asked after we had been served.

"Well, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but…Damn it!"

"What?"

"It's Mackenzie, the four year old with the neuroblastoma. I just got paged 911. I'll be right back."

Three minutes later I returned to the table, unhappy with the course of events. Mackenzie had begun having multiple seizures and needed immediate surgery. I was unable to look Meredith in the eyes, yet I knew she would understand.

"I'm so sorry. I have to go. Here, you stay and eat," I handed her my credit card, "and we'll talk as soon as I get home."

"Mackie is my patient, too! What's going on?"

"She's having multiple seizures. There could be a tumor the CT missed."

"Can I help?"

"If you want to," I turned to the waiter. "Could we get some To-Go boxes? This is an emergency."

Five minutes later, we arrived at the hospital. I ran to Mackenzie's room while Meredith took our leftovers to the refrigerator in the lounge. I found the small girl, pale and still, lying on what seemed to be much too large of a bed for her tiny frame. I turned to the nurse and George, who was the resident on call.

"She started seizing about 9:20. Multiple grand mal seizures lasting up to two minutes. It ended at 9:40 after two doses of phenolbarbital. She's sleeping now and doesn't appear to have any significant damage."

"Thanks, Dr. O'Malley. Schedule her for a shotgun CT and an MRI."

"Will do, Dr. Shepherd."

"You and Meredith will be scrubbing in as soon as I know where to cut."

**A/N: So he still didn't tell Meredith. I'm thinking there may only be a few chapters left, unless you want some info about what happens when Mer finds out (or a sequel). Please review!!**


	16. Chapter 16

"Did you look at it yet?" I asked Katie nervously.

"No. I thought you should see it before me."

"I don't know if I want to see it."

"See what?" came the voice of the chief of women's care.

"Nothing," Katie and I replied simultaneously, as Katie hid the lab results behind her.

"If you say so. Bramwell, get back to work. Mrs. Bryson is complaining that her pain meds aren't strong enough. When are you going to learn to check your pager?"

"I…uh…"

"I'm sorry," I interrupted. "She was on assignment for me. Go check on your patient, Dr. Bramwell. Those test results can wait."

"Well, here they are in case you want to see them for yourself," she handed me my own test results as if they belonged to a patient.

"Thanks," she hurried down the hall, a frightened look on her face.

"What don't you want to see? What kind of interesting patient do you have for me, Addison?"

"Nothing you'd be interested in, I'm sure."

"Mmmhmm," she made a tsk sound in the back of her throat. "Why don't you let me be the judge of that?"

"It's just a pregnancy test for a confused and frightened girl."

"Would that girl's name happen to be Montgomery-Shepherd?"

My mouth hanging open, I stared at my chief, unable to comprehend what had just been said. I stammered and coughed a bit. I had almost decided I could hold my own in this battle when my stomach started feeling a little queasy.

"Answer me, Addison."

"Y…yes…"

"Mmmhmm," _tsktsk_. "Is it Mark's or Derek's?"

"Well, that's actually what this test is supposed to tell me. I'm not quite sure."

"Addison, you need to take care of this little situation."

"I'm trying."

"Might I suggest you try harder and begin by telling the truth…" it was a command more than a question.

"Well, I…I…uh…" I swallowed, trying to fight the awful sensation in my stomach.

"Spit it out."

And so I did. I threw up on my boss's shoes just as Mark rounded the corner. He stopped in his tracks and stared at me in what could only be described as abject horror. It took him a moment to figure out what had just happened, then he ran over and pulled me into his arms. Chief Sarah Harper, on the other hand, stomped off grumbling about how expensive her shoes had been.

"Are you okay?"

"No, I…" I trailed off just as Mark placed a trashcan under my face.

"Addie?"

He turned me to face him, and I began to cry. He rubbed my back and sat down with me on the bottom of a bunk in the on-call room. It was then that I realized I was still clutching the paper that would change the lives of two of the people I loved the most. Nausea swept over me again, but I kept it under control.

"I'm pregnant," I whispered before the tears began again.

"Shhh, baby, it's okay. We'll work this out."

"I don't know who the daddy is!" I wailed.

"It's either me or Derek, though. Right?" he sounded worried.

"Yes, you jackass. It's one of you. I'm just not sure which one."

"Well, let's go get a paternity test. How far along are you?"

"Twelve weeks. And the paternity test is right here in my hand."

"Who's the father? Wait, how did you get DNA? No, don't answer that."

"Don't answer which question? I haven't looked at the results yet."

"Oh. How did you…no…still don't want to hear the answer. Look at the paper, Addie! I'm curious!"

"You're curious? How do you think I feel? The baby is growing in my body, and I'm not even sure who she belongs to!" I screeched at Mark.

"She?"

"Well, I won't know the sex for a while, but…"

"Look at the paper!"

"Okay. I'm looking."

"Who? Who? Addie, you have to tell me!"

"I think I have to throw-up again!"

Mark pulled the nearest trashcan closer to us, but the feeling went away. I looked at the results again, to make sure I wasn't seeing things. So many things were turning through my mind, so I decided I needed to get out.

"Addie?" he called after me. "Addie! Are you okay? ADDISON!"

When he came after me, I kept running. I couldn't bear to face him just yet. I needed time to think about everything that was happening. I wanted to clear my head before telling him because I didn't want him to influence me in my decision making. I had to do what I wanted for me without worrying about what anyone else might think.

**A/N: This is a little short, but I wanted to a short chapter with Mark's POV before continuing. That should be up soon.**


	17. Chapter 17

I couldn't believe it! Addie was pregnant, and I could be the father. I'd never liked kids, thought they just sucked the life right of you, made your body turn to shit. Addie was gorgeous, and I couldn't imagine how it would be to be with her after she got fat. Just the thought of it made me feel light-headed. It was enough to make any man want to drink. I slapped a ten dollar bill onto the bar and looked at the bartender. He poured me another Scotch and stared at the tequila shot glasses I had already lined up on the bar.

"Is your girl friend giving you hell?" the heavily tattooed bartender asked.

"Sort of. Only it's not entirely her fault."

"What'd she do?"

"Well…It's not so much what she did."

"What happened?"

"My girlfriend is pregnant, and I don't know if I'm the father."

"Ooh. Sounds like you dodged a bullet."

"No. It's not like that at all. She was married, but he treated her awful. I was there for her through everything. It could be mine. Or it could be his."

"Don't know what to tell ya, pal."

"She wouldn't tell me. Is that I good sign or a bad one?"

"Dunno. With chicks, you never know."

"I guess. I don't really want a kid. I hate the damn things, but I kind of want it to be mine. I'd make a terrible father, but it would give her reason to finally file for divorce. Maybe I could learn… Hell, I don't know what I want."

"Sounds like you need to do some thinkin'"

"I do."

"What are you thinking about?" a gorgeous blonde took the seat next to me at the bar.

"I'm thinking I want to dance. What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about how my boyfriend just dumped me. And about how he would never dance."

"Sounds like we'd make a good team."

I took her hand and led her toward the door, tossing a few extra bills to the bartender. She put her arm around my waist; her hand rested on my hip. After dancing at the club down the street, we headed toward a hotel. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was a mistake to talk to that girl from the first word she uttered in my presence. I didn't want to be with her. I wanted Addison, but my nerves and alcohol were saying yes. My brain couldn't figure out how to say no. What I didn't know then was that Addie's perky little intern, Katie, saw us go into the hotel.

**A/N: So...that's what was going through Mark's head...Up next: I promise to reveal who the father is! I swear!**


	18. Chapter 18

"Dr. Shepherd?" Katie's voice came from outside my office door.

"Come in," I replied.

"Dr. Shepherd, I have to tell you something. It's really important, and it might make you a little bit mad."

"What did you do?"

"Hey! I didn't do it! It was…umm…"

"Spit it out, Katie."

"Well, I don't want to tell you this, but I will. I should because you're kind of my friend."

"Kind of?"

"Well…You're nice to me. The rest of the attendings are kind of…not…"

It made me feel a little better knowing my intern "kind of" considered me as her friend. Secretly, I agreed with her. Attendings had the tendency to be mean to interns to teach them a lesson. I'd done it myself many times, not that it was right. Katie seemed genuinely scared to be standing in front of me at that moment.

"Katie, when we aren't working, how about you call me Addison?"

"Okay…But you might change your mind…"

"Tell me what's going on."

"IsortofsawMarkdoingsomethingIshouldn'tsee," she blurted all in one breath.

"What did you see Mark do?" I had only understood "see" and "Mark."

"I saw him go into a hotel with a blonde woman. They left a bar together and went in when I was leaving a restaurant across the street. I'm so sorry."

"WHAT?!"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," She was nearly crying.

"It's not your fault. Don't cry. He's an ass."

"But, I didn't want to make you mad. You're my only friend here!"

"Sweetie, I'm not mad at you." I tried to comfort her before realizing what she had just said. "I'm your only friend?"

"Yeah," she sniffled. "Why else do you think I only eat lunch when you do?"

"Well, I thought you were just eager to get ahead. I don't blame you."

"Gee, thanks."

"No, I mean…don't take it that way. I enjoy your company. Otherwise, I would've told you to buzz off long ago."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Now, I'm sure you have other friends."

"I don't. I never get invited to the parties."

"Well, you're not missing much there, unless you enjoy vomiting."

"No…Who's the father?" she quickly changed the subject.

"Well, I haven't told him, yet. I'm not really sure how to tell him. Either way, someone will get hurt."

"You can practice on me, or you can tell him first. Whatever you want to do."

"That's nice, Katie. I really appreciate it, but I need to talk to Mark first."

"Is he…"

I walked past her and toward the elevator. The elevator had only climbed one floor when Mark stepped on. He looked at me, but averted his eyes when I looked back. I wanted to yell; I wanted to fight and scream, but Mark couldn't help what he did. He was just Mark being Mark.

"Addie, we need to talk."

"Yes, we do."

He led me to an on-call room, and we sat on opposite bunks. It was a first. I opened my mouth to tell him just what I thought about what he did, but he held up his hand to stop me.

"Let me go first."

"Fine."

"I know I'm going to hurt you, but you have a right to know. After you told me you're pregnant, I went to a bar. I got drunk and went to a hotel with an astonishingly stupid woman because I am an astonishingly stupid man."

"I…"

"No, not yet. Here's the thing: the whole time I was with her, I couldn't help but think about you. She didn't look like you, or smell like you. She didn't feel like you. I'd never felt that way before. I could cheat on a woman every day and never think about it, but with her, all I could think about was you. I'm so sorry, Addison. It was wrong and stupid. You don't have to forgive me or stay with me, but if you do, it'll never happen again."

"Mark, thank-you for telling me. I already knew, but thank-you for being honest."

"Who told you?"

"I have my sources."

"I bet it was that perky little snitch, Katie."

"She was having dinner in a restaurant across the street. She saw you go in the hotel. Don't give her any trouble. She did what she thought was right."

"I won't say anything to her, but I have something else to say to you."

"Mark…"

"No, I'm still not finished. I've done some thinking since I sobered up, and I want to share it with you."

"Okay, but I want my turn soon."

"I know you know who the father is, but I don't care. I want the baby to be mine. I know you think I'll make a horrible father, and you're probably right. But I want to be with you, take care of you, and have a family with you. Just give me a chance to do something right."

"My turn. The baby is Derek's."

"He's Derek's? But I wanted him to be mine."

"Maybe it's for the better. You're right. You would be a terrible father, and we don't always get what we want."

"I want you, Addie."

"I want a lot of things, like the relationship I had with my husband five years ago and to have his baby and have him care about us. We don't always get what we want."

"Addie, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done anything that night. It's my fault Derek isn't here with you and the baby."

"I don't know what to do. I should tell him, but he wouldn't return my calls before I knew I was pregnant. I haven't talked to him since…" I trailed off, tears beginning to fall.

"Baby, shh. Don't cry. We'll work this out. Somehow, it will all work out. I promise."

Somehow, I didn't think it could ever work out. I decided to put off telling Derek for a while.

**A/N: So, Derek is the father. For all of you who wanted it to be Mark, please don't hate me or stop reading. I have a plan (and I kind of wanted to leave it open for a sequel because I have some ideas for that, too.) I also have some ideas for a Mark and Addison baby thing, if anyone is interested or has suggestions, feel free to pm and REVIEW!!! Please!**


	19. Chapter 19

"Nice work, Dr. Shepherd," George O'Malley said as the surgeons finished closing up the four year old girl's brain.

"Thank-you. O'Malley, go tell the parents that their daughter is out of surgery. Tell them that there will be an extensive recovery and possibly more chemotherapy."

"Yes, sir."

I took Meredith by the hand and pulled her into the lounge. She pulled our dinner out of the refrigerator and headed toward the microwave. I tried to prepare myself to finally tell Meredith the truth.

"Derek?" she looked at me then quickly looked to the floor.

"Yes?" She came over and sat down in my lap, her head on my shoulder.

"I think I miss my mommy," she whispered.

"Oh, sweetie, that's okay. Is there anything I can do?"

"No. I just think I miss her a little bit right now."

"Okay. Does me holding you help?"

"A little bit, I guess."

I held her closer, and all my nerve went out the window. I didn't have the heart to tell her about my wife when she was feeling so bad about her mom. I kissed the top of her head just as the microwave beeped. She started to move, but I held her and stood up. She put her head back down on my shoulder, and I put the food out on some plates. We ate in silence for a few minutes, Meredith comfortable in my lap.

"You know what?" she asked, more a statement than a question.

"What?"

"I don't really like Japanese food."

"You don't?"

"No. My mom does…did. We used to eat it all the time when I was a teenager, and I hated it. She made me eat it anyway. I guess I just got used to it or something because I'd never thought about it until we were in the restaurant."

"Do you want to eat something else? We can go or order anything you want."

"No. I think I'll eat it one last time, for her. I'll make dead mommy proud."

"Are you sure that's what you want to do?"

"Yeah. Let's eat. I'm starved. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Nothing. We'll talk about it later."

"Okay," she shrugged and her body began to feel heavier in my arms.

Before long, Meredith had dozed off, leaving me a whole lot of Japanese food. I stepped out of the lounge, Meredith draped over my shoulder, and offered the food to the rest of the interns on call for the night. As I headed out to the car, Meredith's friends devoured our leftovers. Back at the trailer, I put her into bed and covered her up. Then, I flipped on a lamp in the living area and pulled the bedroom door almost closed. I had been filling out charts for a few minutes when my pager began to vibrate on the table. Seeing Addison's cell number, I cleared the pager and went back to my work.

"Derek?" Meredith's voice sounded slightly panicked.

"Yes, sweetie?" I rushed into the room and sat next to her on the bed.

"I don't feel very good."

"What's wrong?"

"My stomach hurts, and my heart is beating really fast."

"Try to relax. You're okay."

"No…I…"

"Breathe through your nose. It's okay." I rubbed her back.

"My mommy…" she began to cry hard.

"Shh shh." I pulled her into my arms and massaged her shoulders with my thumbs.

"I…I…can't…" she gasped.

"Meredith! Sweetie, you're having an anxiety attack. Try to breathe. Everything is going to be fine."

I jumped up and grabbed a paper bag and wet a wash cloth. I draped the cloth over her neck, and I held the bag up to Meredith's face until she could breathe normally again. Tears filled her eyes again as she collapsed against my chest. When I looked at her, I felt my heart fill with pain. It hurt me so much to see her in pain. Taking the cloth from her neck, I washed away her tears then smoothed her hair off her face. She sighed, tears still falling at a slightly slower pace.

"Are you better?"

"I think so." Her voice was weak and raspy.

Over the next few weeks, Meredith had several more anxiety attacks. Eventually, Cristina and I talked her into taking a mild anti-anxiety drug. She fought us at first, but gave in after an attack in the OR that left her pale blue and breathing into a mask. It was that incident that forced her to realize she needed medication.

"Derek?" she looked up at me from the hospital bed she'd landed in after the attack in the OR. "I think I should take the medicine."

"Good. It will help you, and it doesn't have to be a permanent thing. You only have to take it as long as you need it."

"I know. I just don't like medicine."

"I know. You're a worse patient than me."

"No way! When you had the flu that one time, you were such a horrible patient. I had to hold you down to get Nyquil in you."

"Oh, yeah. Maybe we're tied."

"Yeah. Uh-oh."

"Meredith, breathe into the mask." I held the mask up to her face as she struggled to breathe again.

I tried to comfort her, but she still struggled to breathe. Finally, I gave up and went to get a small IV dose of the medicine she agreed to begin taking. I started an IV and put the drug into the saline solution. After a few minutes, she'd calmed down quite a bit.

"Thanks."

"Will you take the meds, Meredith?"

"Yes. This is too scary."

What I didn't tell her was that it was scary for me too. I felt helpless when the attacks came. There was nothing I could do to keep them from happening. All I could do was hold her hand until she could breathe again. Sometimes, when it happened, I would try to hold my breath until she felt better. I was afraid to tell her about Addison now. At first only stress caused the attacks, but then they just started happening. I didn't want to cause her to have another, but I also felt guilty for keeping my wife a secret. The chief had been pushing me to tell her as well.


	20. Chapter 20

I borrowed Katie's cell phone to call Derek. I had been putting it off for long enough, and besides, my tummy was beginning to show. A lot. I held Katie's phone in one hand and Katie's hand in my other. My heart was pounding, and my head was throbbing.

"You can do this Dr…Addison," Katie was trying to be reassuring.

"Thanks. I can do this."

The phone rang once. Twice. I almost hung up when I heard Derek's voice on the line.

"Derek Shepherd," his tone was curt, all business.

"Derek, please don't hang up. I have to talk to you."

"Addison?"

"Yes," my voice squeaked a little.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"It's really important. I need to talk to you. If you don't listen, I'll come to Seattle and make you."

"Fine. What do you want?"

"Derek, I…" suddenly I felt very sick. I was becoming good friends with the trashcan under my desk.

"Addie? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm just pregnant. Oh, and Richard called. I'm coming to Seattle for a case next week."

"You're…He…What?"

"I'm pregnant with your baby. I have the paternity test on my desk. He is definitely yours."

"I can't believe this. I have to go."

"Okay. Bye, Derek."

In reply, I heard the phone click into silence. I looked at Katie with tears threatening to spill out over. She pulled me into a hug and handed me a box of tissues.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

**A/N: Instead of several short chapters, I decided to switch POVs.**

"Meredith?" I approached her a few days after talking to Addison.

"Yeah?"

"Remember how I said I needed to talk to you a while back?"

"Yeah. I'd been wondering what that was about."

"Well, we have to talk about it now. "

"Okay."

"I know you are going to be hurt and angry, but I want you to listen."

"Okay," she was beginning to sound nervous.

"I guess there isn't another was to do this except to just rip of the Band-aid."

"No anesthesia?"

"Right. Here goes," I took a deep breath to settle my shaking nerves. "I have a wife in New York."

"You have a wife! Why didn't you tell me?"

"There's more. She's pregnant with my baby."

"You have a wife and a kid! What the hell did you come to Seattle for?"

"She cheated on me and instead of trying to work things out, I left. It was stupid, but I have divorce papers."

"Signed divorce papers?"

"Well, no, but…"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't at first because I didn't plan to see you again. Then, I was too chicken. I decided I had to tell you the day I fell in love with you."

"You…what?"

"I fell in love with you."

"I love you, too. But I'm still mad at you."

"And you have every right to be mad."

"You should've told me."

"I know, but I kept getting interrupted and then, your mom, well anyway…"

"Hang on…Did we just say I love you?" she realized something I had been trying to figure out how to mention.

"I think so."

"I really do love you. Are you going to sign the divorce papers?"

"Honestly, I don't know."

"Will you let me know when you know?" an angry look had come over her face.

"Yes, of course."

"Fine. I'll see you later, Dr. Shepherd."

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"Mark, I'm going to Seattle."

"Why?"

"They are admitting a TTTS case next week, and the chief of surgery wants my help."

"Are you going to get back with Derek?"

"I don't know."

"I love you, Addison."

"I can't deal with that right now. I have to talk to him. He knows."

I began to pack my suitcases for a long stay in Seattle with Mark glaring at me. My feelings for Mark had escalated, but I needed to work things out with my husband. I kept my back turned so that Mark couldn't see the tears that threatened to spill from eyes. Pregnancy was already taking its toll on my emotions. I placed my hand over the bump that was to be my first son and suddenly Mark's arms were around me.

"The choice is yours. You can stay with Derek in Seattle or me in New York," He pulled a box from his pocket. "If you stay, I'll do my very best to be the daddy your baby deserves."

He opened the box to reveal a diamond ring. I looked from the ring back to Mark, stunned.

"Addie, I can't promise you that we won't fight. Sometimes we'll both want out, but I can promise you this. I won't leave unless you tell me to. I'll be here to take care of this baby and all the others that will come. Give me a chance to show you that. Marry me."

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to update. What do you think Addie should do? Please review!!**


	21. Chapter 21

I had no idea what to do with myself. Meredith had quit speaking to me entirely, and Addison just called to say she had landed in Seattle. A small part of me wanted to see my wife and unborn child, but Meredith would be furious if she knew I was going to pick her up at the airport. I drove along the highway trying to decide if I wanted to hurt Addison or hug her. All this time I had been so angry at her, but after talking to her, I realized just how much I missed her. I watched as she entered the airport from the gate. She looked amazing, as usual.

"Derek!" she spotted me watching her. "I didn't expect you to come get me!"

"Well, I didn't want you wandering around the city and getting into trouble," it was then that I noticed the tiny bulge around Addison's middle.

She blushed when she realized I was looking at her stomach. Seeing my unborn child brought about a rush of emotions that I tried to hide. There were so many things I wanted to say to her. I wanted to ask her why she had slept with Mark, but the biggest question was why she waited so long to tell me about my baby.

"Derek! Stop staring."

"I'm sorry. Here, you shouldn't be carrying those bags," I took her carry-on bags from her.

"Thanks," she smiled nervously and an awkward silence followed.

"Ahem," I cleared my throat. "How…umm…how far…"

"About 15 weeks."

"Oh. Wow. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I tried, Derek. I called you and paged you so many times. You never answered."

"You never left a message."

"Did you really want to find out about your son by a message on an answering machine?"

"Well, no, but…"

"See. You wouldn't have returned my call anyway. Give me my stuff. I think I'm going to take a cab."

"No, you're not. And I would have returned the call."

"Don't lie to me."

"It hurts, doesn't it?"

"You did not just say that. I didn't lie to you."

"So, what do you call having an affair with my best friend?"

"It only happened that one time! Here," she pulled a manila envelope from one of the bags.

"Divorce papers?"

"Yes. I stayed with Mark after you left. At first I felt really bad about it, but then I found out about your girlfriend in Seattle. The way I see it, we're even."

"But she isn't your best friend," I knew Richard had ratted me out.

"I'm sorry about that. I truly am sorry, but he was there for me when I was so lonely. You…"

"I was never there. I know. We both made some mistakes."

Suddenly, her eyes grew bright. I set her bags next to my car and reached out to her, touching her for the first time since I left New York. I took her by the hands, but she pulled back. I let go, only to have her lean into my chest. Not knowing what else to do, I put my arms around her.

"Why are you crying, Addie?"

"I planned on yelling at you and you yelling back or not speaking to me and you being really mad at me and you just admitted something I wanted you to admit a year ago!" she wailed.

"We both screwed up. I know that."

"I screwed up bigger," she sniffled.

"Maybe so, but I still should've been there for you. I still remember about when everything changed. What happened?"

"You started ignoring me."

"You withdrew from me, and I didn't try to bring you back. I didn't know how to help you, so I pretended everything was fine. What caused it?"

"Promise you won't yell?"

"I promise."

"My nephew died on my table."

"Addie! Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to get mad at me for operating on a relative. And you did yell."

"No, no. That wasn't yelling. When was this?"

"Seven years ago."

"But we were fine after that," I had expected her to say something more like two years ago. "Addie, you were a fellow then."

"I know, but my sister wouldn't have it any other way. I tried to deal with it for a long time. That's why I was hell bent on saving all my patients," she had a faraway look in her eye, the look I recognized as a dark, sad stare.

"Did something else happen?"

"On what should've been my nephew's fifth birthday, I had another boy with the same condition and prognosis. He lived. He lived and my nephew didn't, and it's all my fault!" she had begun to cry again.

"Addie, it is not your fault!"

"Then how come I couldn't save my nephew? Everything was exactly the same. Why did he die?"

"Everything was the same except for the fact that you had five more years of experience as a neonatal specialist. Look at this way, when you faced the situation a second time, you knew exactly what to do. You saved the child of a family who might not have been strong enough to survive his death."

"Thank-you."

"For what?"

"For listening and being there."

"When is your nephew's birthday?"

"The…uhh…the day I…umm…"

"Oh. Okay. Addie, I'm so sorry," it was then that I knew what I wanted to do.

"I'm sorry, too."

"Do you want to try this, us again?" I held out the divorce papers.

**A/N: Mark or Derek? Mark or Derek? Whom shall I choose? Up next: Addison makes her decision.**


	22. Chapter 22

I sat in Richard's office, nervously picking at something invisible on my left thumb. He had just briefed me on the TTTS case that had been admitted. The mother-to-be was having a hard time dealing with the complications of her unborn twins. As for me, I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that my two best friends had both decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives married to me. I sighed, waiting for Richard to come back.

"Addie?" he had re-entered the room to find me now sucking on my sore thumb.

"Yes, sir?"

"Are you pregnant?"

"Yes, sir. Is that why you left so suddenly?"

"Er...umm."

"Richard, I'm a big girl now."

"I know, but it still seems like you should be begging me for a ride around the block in my old Corvette."

"The baby is Derek's, if that's what you're thinking about."

"Oh, good. Well, the mother of the twins is anxious for you to see her, so follow me."

Richard led me to the maternity floor of the hospital, and I spoke with the mother. The babies had an excellent chance of survival, and the mother's stats were perfect given her condition and the complications of her pregnancy. I turned to Richard and requested an intern for the case. I asked for Meredith Grey. A few days later, during my lunch break, I received a phone call from Katie.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

"Addison, Katie, call me Addison."

"Oh, right. Addison, you should call Dr. Sloan."

"Why? Is he okay? What's going on?" I was instantly concerned.

"Well, he sure misses you. He keeps saying he's going to book a flight to Seattle and that he's going to come out there and get you back."

"Oh, no. Please, Katie, don't let him come out here. Derek is actually speaking to me."

"I'm trying, but what did you do to him before you left? I've never seen him look worse."

"I've only been gone ten days."

"And I don't think he's eaten anything or slept since he took you to the airport. Seriously. What happened?"

"He asked me to marry him."

"What did you say?"

"I booked a flight to Seattle."

"Oh. That may be what's wrong with him. What does the other Dr. Shepherd have to say?"

"He wants to try and make things work."

"Uh-oh. What are you going to do?"

"I have no idea."

"I think you should pick Mark. He's sexy."

"Katie!"

"Well, he is. Call him, okay. He's freaking out."

"I will."

As soon as I hung up with Katie, I dialed Mark's number. He picked up on the first ring, yelling my name repeatedly before I'd even said hello. My voice suddenly disappeared, and I hung up. He called me straight back.

"What happened? Are you okay? How's the baby?"

"Mark, calm down. We're fine. I accidentally pushed the end call button."

"Oh. How is Derek?"

"He's great," I replied hesitantly.

"What are you not telling me?"

"Well, he wants me to move here and give us another try," I couldn't bring myself to lie to him about something so important.

"Are you going to?" his voice was high and squeaky.

"I don't know yet."

"Addison, I love you so much. Please come back to New York."

"Mark! Do not pressure me. This is going to be a hard enough decision as it is."

"I'm sorry. I know this is going to be hard. Just...be careful in Seattle and try to call me pretty often."

"I will."

"I love you and the baby. Will you pat him for me?" Mark had taken to patting my stomach once the bulge was showing under my shirt.

"There," I put my hand over the baby bump. "I just patted his backside."

"How do you know it's his backside. He's too little."

"I just know."

"Well, okay," he paused for a long while. "Addie?"

"Yeah?"

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

As I hung up, I realized I missed Mark more than I had missed Derek in the few months that he'd been gone. While the first nine years of our marriage had been wonderful, the last year and a half had been pretty tough. We both made huge mistakes. At times we were so busy we forgot to fight. The rest of the time, we fought. Then, we ignored each other. We'd been together since our first year of medical school. It was time for something different. I sincerely hoped he would be happy with Meredith. She seemed nice enough, smart. She obviously worshipped him. I flipped the phone open again.

"Addie?"

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too. We just went through this."

"Mark! I really miss you. I want to be with you. Forever."

"Oh. Are you...are you saying that..."

"Yes, I want to marry you."

I clicked the phone shut once more, grinning widely from ear-to-ear. Then, I realized I had to tell Derek my decision. I wanted more than just about anything to put it off for a while, but I couldn't do that to him again. I stood up to throw away the remains of my lunch, no longer hungry (only to have it confiscated and devoured by an intern named Alex Karev) and went in search of my husband.

**A/N: Sequel, anyone? I'm only going to write it if I get enough reviews asking for it, so if anyone is interested in finding out what kind of daddy Mark would make, please review!**


	23. Chapter 23

"Derek, we have to talk. Now," Addison was dragging me down the hall to an empty on-call room.

"What's going on? Is the baby okay?"

"Yes, the baby is fine."

"Well, what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. I just need to talk to you."

"Are you going to move out here?"

"Not exactly. That's what I wanted to talk to you about though. I'm not sure how to say this, but… Well, I guess I'll just rip the band-aid."

"No anesthesia?"

"Uh, right. As soon as I'm finished with this case, I'm going back to New York."

"But, I thought we were going to try to make this work," I was confused.

"Umm…"

"Addie?"

"I'm going back to New York. I'm sorry."

"Oh, are you saying that…" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Are you saying that you want to go ahead with the divorce?"

"Yes."

"Why? I thought we were going to work things out and try again."

"I'm so sorry, but I think I fell in love with someone else."

"Mark? You mean Mark, don't you? I thought that night was a big mistake. I thought you wanted to be with me," by this time, I was feeling a little angry. And very hurt.

"Yes, he was there for me even before we slept together. He became my best friend."

"I thought I was your best friend."

"Well, you were. Are. Umm, I don't know."

"What is there to know? Do you still care about me?"

"Yes, of course. I care about you very much. It's just that some things have changed while we have been apart."

"Nothing has changed. Well, except maybe your hips…" I couldn't get over how good she looked pregnant with my baby.

"Yes, it has. Can you tell me that you don't have any feelings at all for Meredith?"

"Well…"

"Exactly. Do you love her?"

I paused for a while, and I knew that Addison would immediately guess that I did have serious feelings about Meredith.

"I really like her a lot. Yes, I think, maybe, I'm falling in love with her." I paused again, but I couldn't lie to Addison. "No, she makes me happier than I've been in a long time. I do love her."

"And I love Mark. Do you really think it's fair to either of us if we stay together knowing that we no longer feel romantic toward each other?"

"I guess not, but I still love you. I really wanted to make this work for our baby."

"Also not fair. We shouldn't stay together because of the baby. We'd just end up splitting up later, and it will be harder on him when he understands what is happening."

"True. You're right. Let's sign the papers."

"We will still be friends, Derek, don't look so sad. You can visit the baby any time you want to, and when he's a little older, he can come to Seattle to visit you and Meredith."

"Addison, I really do love you."

"I love you, too. But it's a different kind of love…"

"I know. I love you in a way that makes me want to protect you and see you happy."

"And I love you in a way that makes me want to talk to you often and keep you in my life."

"We will be friends. I'll come to New York for the birth of the baby. I'll try to come visit as much as I can."

"I know you will."

"Mark had better treat you right. You know how…"

"Derek, don't. He's changed."

"I just don't want to see you hurt."

"I appreciate that, but I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"If you need anything, let me know."

"I will. I have to go check on my TTTS case."

I watched as my soon-to-be ex-wife headed down the hall. One part of me felt extremely, overwhelmingly sad to see her go. I loved her so much. For ten years, she was the most important part of my family. However, she was right. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to stay together. This other part of me felt relieved that she felt the same way. I was so proud of her for being the bigger person and admitting that she didn't want to force our marriage to work. She was so strong. I took one last look at her retreating frame, studying her body one last time. I knew she was going to be a wonderful mother. Now, she and my child, would have a chance at a normal, healthy relationship.

Sometimes we do things we can't explain. We don't always understand why we do those things. Occasionally, that thing turns out to be the biggest mistake of our lives. Other times, it's the best choice we could have made. This time, I knew what I was doing was not going to be a mistake. Addison and I would both get the relationship we'd been missing for a long time.

"Good-bye, Addie," I whispered. "Don't forget to let Mark take care of you sometimes. I hope he'll make a better husband than me."

**A/N: So, I decided to add one more chapter. I haven't fully decided how much MerDer will be in the sequel (which I am currently working on) and I didn't want to leave the story without Derek's thoughts as well. Please review. Lots of reviewsfaster writingsequel sooner. Hey, what do you know, I can do math even in the summer.**


	24. Chapter 24

**This is just to let everyone know. I have posted the sequel. It's called "Just To See You Smile". As always, please R and R! **


End file.
